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(no subject) [Jan. 28th, 2010|04:29 pm]
Mark it: This is the beginning of my return to classical music.

It's been about a year. I've had this huge focus on trying to break out of the classical shell and it's finally sunken in that I miss it. I think the major turning point was blasting the Dvorak Cello Concerto in my car and...I've heard multiple recordings and blasted them, as well, in my car, but this recording was different. Little nuances in phrasing and bowing and vibrato that just excited me. The company I've kept as of late has been subconsciously giving me this impression that performing classical works, works I didn't write myself, that it's less substantial, less respectable, less noteworthy.

You know what? Fuck you.

This. This is a fucking art. And I've let myself go. I'll take the lessons I've learned from this year-long journey in the non-traditional, but this...this is me. And I'm looking forward to embracing it again.

It all makes me really happy. I asked Jordan if he'd be interested in working on Beethoven Violin Sonatas and he's down. I'm really excited. I'm excited to not have fingernails and build up my callouses again. I'm excited to feel like I'm not giving up on my dream.

On top of that, I have at least one accompanying gig for the spring semester. I'm wondering if this return will help me get more accompanying gigs. It could be the supplement to my income that I want right now.

God's in his heaven and all is right with the world.

Until next time.
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(no subject) [Jan. 27th, 2010|02:03 pm]
That went a lot better than I was planning. She's gonna call me back later today with the details for the funeral arrangements. It's going to be Wednesday of next week. Ehh.

I finally looked for a health insurance plan that I can afford and realized that I need to be a Delaware resident. Crap. Looks like I'm going to the DMV next time I'm off...

So it looks like...DMV + residency, get on my own car insurance policy, then apply for health insurance, then...moving on with life? Yeah, moving on with life.

All righty then. I guess I can look forward to a long conversation with my mom soon to work all of the details out. I'm currently under her insurance and will have to see how that works...underlying all of this is realizing that I need to make more money than I currently do. It could be so much worse, though.

Til next time.
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(no subject) [Jan. 4th, 2010|12:10 am]
Oh, hey 2010. Fancy meeting you here.

I've been an emotional wreck as of late, I blame hormones. But otherwise, life is feeling pretty good.

I can't express how much I love my job. Or rather, I love the people I work with. They're all really great. It's been a few months now and I haven't had a day where I just really didn't want to go in. It's the sort of thing where I can come in in a bad mood and know someone will change that.

So I guess all that's left is to move forward in life in other areas.

I'll figure it out.

Til next time.
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(no subject) [Dec. 28th, 2009|11:32 pm]
Oh, how I never know what I want.

I feel like this quintessential sort of example of someone who doesn't figure out what they want until they're beat over the head with it.

I think that's all I really wanted to say. Oh, and that I'm scared shitless about not making the post-holiday season cut at work. I don't know if I'm more scared about what it'd do to my finances or the fact that I'd miss everyone. That's ... I think that says a lot about how I feel about work.

I pretty much love everyone. Also, getting 50% off in the Café. That's a huge perk right there.

Til next time.
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(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2009|12:11 am]
Rodney and I have been teasing each other more and more lately, although I think I'm moreso on the receiving end. (It's all right, I can take the jokes.) I'm kind of happy that I've reached enough of a comfort level with him that I hit him yesterday and didn't feel bad. ... Wait, that sounded kind of off.


So I was standing with some of the other guys in the section, it was mostly empty, and Rodney said something and then proceeded to take some items out of the section to another display. I forget why but I got flustered and said I was going to kick him, and made a kicking motion towards him. Normally this would be fine, but I was wearing flats and we all looked in horror as my shoe flew off my foot and went...at least 10 ft. into the air. Spinning and everything. Perfect arch. It felt like time stopped as I cringed and tried to guess where it would land.

It ended up knocking a sign out of the display.

Rodney: Did you just kick your shoe at me?!


Also, an old man kept talking to me and even stopped me while I was on break to talk to me more. He wanted to show me something and asked if I'd be in tomorrow, but since I won't be working, he said he'll leave an envelope for me up at Music.


I'm trying to imagine the confused face of whoever is on the receiving end of that. An old man leaving something for me. Weirddd.

Church service of doom tomorrow, followed by retail therapy and crush stalking. Til next time.
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(no subject) [Nov. 30th, 2009|01:35 am]
I can't hold it in anymore. I want to declare my undying love for Aesop Rock.

Seriously. Do you ever just gradually love an artist more and more that it just boggles your mind? Let's face it; hip hop? I only catch snippets of what they're saying. So I'm looking up the lyrics and I'm finding fucking...classic movie references, astronomy references fucking...Lord of the Rings reference. And I just...

Jesus Christ. I'm in love.

That's all. Til next time.
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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2009|11:06 am]
Annd I think a little part of me died.

Over and out.
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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2009|05:42 am]
I took a nap today at an inopportune time. Now it's almost 6 AM and I'm not too sleepy. Unfortunate.

For the first time in a long time I've just really craved playing piano. Just the feeling of the keys and the melodies, just lush melodies and connecting it with the motions... It felt good, I went through some pieces and have decided what I'm going to work on next. Now I just need to get the same sort of feeling for violin and I'll be set.

Weird mood. There's so much I want right now, but that's pretty typical. I don't know what to make of how I've been feeling as of late. Something like restless yet almost numb; not really numb, just startlingly unfeeling. I've kind of been craving companionship but I don't know if it's because I really do honestly want to be with someone, or if I just want to prove to myself that yes, I am capable of having feelings still. It's a dumb notion, I'm sure I'm capable of having feelings for people, strong ones, sentimental ones, but not the kinds that are full of rot, I just miss having concrete proof is all.

You know, it's not so much numbness as much as it is just feeling hollow.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not so bad. It's not that bad at all. I just want to reach a point of normalcy, really. Everything's just been highs and lows and, I suppose that's life. But ehh.

You know, some people just pick up and go. Just make life decisions in an instant, pick up, and go. And they make a living for themselves. I don't get how they do it. Why can't I do it? (Because I can't just pick up and go.) Damnit. Graham might be going to Italy and I'm insanely jealous. I can picture him there as much as I can see him happy in China. Sitting outside a shop, sipping a glass of wine. Admiring street performers while mastering the Italian accent. The fuck. I told him if he goes to Florence I might have to hide in his luggage.

A lot of what I've learned in the last year is how to feel less attached, less tied down to things. But I've still got a ways to go.

In conclusion, I miss having concrete goals. I think I've been saying that since I graduated.

It still stands.

Til next time.
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(no subject) [Oct. 18th, 2009|04:02 pm]
I'm listening to Something Corporate's Konstantine with intentions of kind of indulging in some sappy thoughts...

...and all I can think is god, this song is so lame. I can't believe I used to listen to this.

Part of me feels like I've matured, just a pinch, ahhhahaha.

Over and out.
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(no subject) [Oct. 5th, 2009|07:06 pm]
I just had the weirdest dream I've had in a while. I'm actually still kind of freaked out about it.

Mostly I remember the end. Me and a guy I was seeing, we somehow ended up in the wrong area of some place and found ourselves in some odd community. I remember being in a glass capsule of sorts with some other guy when he explained to us that everyone there, we were being sold in a department store. We were all on sale. We'd go on display during the day and afterwards we all had our own homes to go to, all provided. But there were no locks and we were watched closely. And everyone knew that if you weren't bought before the end of your sale, you were killed. The people in charge would come to your door and they'd kill you. Since the houses had no locks so there wasn't anything you could do about it.

Me and my lover of sorts managed to make some good friends while we were there, and then there was the inevitable day that our sales ended. I remember panicking, he was first. For some reason they felt like toying with us and decided to not make sure we died right then and there, they liked watching us panic and fill up with hope that we'd somehow survive. I didn't remember when they first came to me, I blacked out and woke up to them making me drink a pink cocktail. I remember feeling weird and looking at them, sheer panic. I ran out of the house as they watched and laughed. I saw more people heading to my friend's house so I ran to warn him.

When I got there it was in the middle of happening, he was trying to reason with them but it was no use. I joined in the begging, too, and while I was talking, they shot him in the head. A really small bullet, right in the forehead. Somehow he didn't die. He could walk a little bit so I helped him to another friend's house where we decided to hide. Eventually my lover showed up; I wasn't sure what had happened to him, just that they'd tried to kill him, too. There was a lady that kept comforting me. My friend that got shot in the head kept slipping in and out of consciousness and we kind of figured it was just a matter of time before he died, but at least we had him for a little longer. The lady held me and I remember just thinking while everyone else fell asleep that I thought I was okay, but I really probably wasn't. I was still alive and faring the best out of the three of us, but for all I knew, the drugs were about to take effect. I remember looking outside a sliding glass door and the colours started warping. As sun was setting the sky turned purple and kept shifting back and forth from the actual colours to what I kept seeing. On one hand, it was gorgeous and I was glad to see it. On the other hand, it made me realize that there was definitely something going on and I had no idea how bad it was going to get.

I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night still with the lady. I looked over and my lover was sleeping by the sliding glass door using something small as a blanket and it occurred to me that it was ludicrous that we both might die, and there I was sleeping next to someone else. I was about to get up when another guy that was staying with all of us did. He kind of fumbled around a bit. For some reason he wanted to go home and I wanted to smack him because he wasn't being discreet enough. He was going to be noticed. And draw attention to our house. And they'd realize that we're still alive. And then they'd kill us for sure. He stepped outside the door and I wanted really badly to lock him out but there were no locks. I was about to get up and sleep with my lover because I figured if either of us were going to die through the night, at least that's where I'd want to be.

And then I woke up. Tada.Collapse )
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